I got out of prison today. I served almost 21 years of my sentence before I said enough was enough. You don't realize what freedom is until you get out. Until you decide that you've had enough. I believed so much in this system, that it gave me a sense of security, it gave me everything I thought was freedom.. a steady paycheck, sick days, 4 weeks of vacation per year, a promise of a full pension after giving at least 35 years of your life.
You don't realize you're in prison until you're out.
I decided that this pathway no longer served me. The decision to leave my career was terrifying. It gave me so much anxiety and stress because I was groomed from the very moment my soul decided to incarnate in this body... this culture, this heritage, this limited belief and idea that these steady income jobs were the key to success and locking in my entire future. But why did I feel like this perfect creation and full time job was the very thing that chipped at my soul every morning my alarm went off? I knew my soul chose these experiences so that I could undo EVERY.SINGLE.ONE.
I resigned today. I saw visions of myself walking down that hall towards the exit. I envisioned it and dreamt it into existence. As I walked without looking back, I brought my hands up to give my peace signs to old faces, I took my mask off at the door and breathed in... I fucking laughed as I stared at the sky! Why did everything look so different all of a sudden? Why did every decision I made thereafter feel like it didn't depend on anything else but my own? You don't realize you were a prisoner until you're out... until you know that you no longer have to answer to anyone anymore... It aggravated me to have to ask permission for everything. Can I have this day off? Can I PLEASE take time to go to the US because there was a death in my girlfriend's family? Is it possible to leave early this Friday? And somehow every time I would get the courage to ask I'd feel my body cringe like I'd be doing something wrong.. that I couldn't even look my boss in the eyes because there was so much shame. Why the hell am I feeling shame?
And every time they'd say yes, I'd feel like I needed to say "thank you" like I owed them so much of my gratitude as if begging wasn't already humiliating enough. And if I was refused, walking back to my work station was THE walk of shame. I gave 21 years of my life thinking I was doing commendable work. I was proud of my job as a radiation Oncology technologist, but as time passed I started to feel more like a fraud because waking up every morning and showing up on time was part of my robotic and predictive movements. You don't realize too how much resentment you build when you're under valued. They wonder why every department fails or turns toxic, that's one reason it does.
It took a lot in me to release that fear that ran through my veins. That dependency on money kept me in another prison, both that which worked symbiotically, keeping me obedient and part of the rat race. I felt so much fear and becoming conscious of it helped me to realize how deeply the program of scarcity and lack had run my entire life. Security is equal to success.. right?! But why was my body not wanting to perform anymore?
When covid hit, the end was near. I remember feeling in my body that this prison sentence was up to me. I had aligned so much with my mission work with Tena and now I had this job... this fucking secure job that was in the way of me fulfilling my dreams. It's insane to me how divinely timed everything was and how it all happened and unfolded when I surrendered my fate into the hands of the unknown. I worked so hard and asked to heal those unconscious blocks that prevented me from walking out that door.
We are all literally one decision away from being free... we all think we're free, but we're not. I walked out today and I can't even begin to describe that deep knowing that I had made the best decision of my life... the last big piece of my old life as a prisoner.
I undressed myself and walked away from my old timeline. I think that's why I felt so much joy that I couldn't help but laugh.. I never saw life through this lens... I spent 30 years of my life in a dissociated state and suddenly woke up with a life I knew I had to undo. The word success changed for me today... success was putting the last key into that door and I set myself free...