I've been scraping the bottom of my barrel as of late... Observing myself braid in and out of body as I scream at my children for trivial reasons. I am split in two, knowing that the voice that yells is mine but isn't at the same time. There is disturbance within my reality... who is the dragon that has all this anger inside and has generously passed down the torch of my own inner fire? And what happened to the child that got the wrath of this damaging voice? How am I allowing that ripple to skip onto my children's timeline? I don't want them to have the same voice, the same tone, the same disheartened-punch-in-the-face words... words that chip at their self-worth and leave them thinking that there is something inherently wrong with them when they are perfect...
I was perfect too when the same words were shouted at me. The combination of it kept my body paralyzed in fear, scared to breathe, scared to exist.
I didn't know if I was doing anything correctly. I walked on egg-shells for just existing. And it feels all too familiar these days. My son being the exact replica of me as a child and here we are again, repeating the same story, just a little more modern... but still too aggressive and stale.
I can hear the words come out of my mouth and then the empath in me can feel the damage. Is it mirroring my own damage or am I feeling his in real time? Or maybe it's both. We are the same breed in the end... It's scary to think that I can't catch it as it's happening. That the heat in my body becomes so strong that I can't stop it. Or the moment I am spilling my wounds and projecting my own damage onto him is when I wake up from the spell and I'm regretting it... instantly falling into this whirlwind of guilt and remorse and deep sadness.
"I'm so sorry I'm making you become like me... I'm so sorry your inner voice changed because of me... I'm so sorry you don't feel safe right now."
I wish I could pinpoint the exact memory of the birth of my overwhelm. There is a part of me that has trouble forgiving myself because I should know better. There is so much shame and guilt around this part of me... that I know is not who I am, but still exists within me. I can forgive the angry dragon for making me feel stupid. I can forgive that I didn't do anything to deserve that.
I really held my sadness last night because I didn't know how deeply she was desperate for me to see her. Her twin part came out so overtly but I feel they were both coming out to be seen and healed. There is a lot of forgiveness involved. Forgiveness of what happened to me when I was a child and forgiveness for my false voice speaking with no mercy to my children. I've found that my wounds have been coming out in different layers and this is another level in which I am again responsible for.
I needed to release a lot of that pain last night. Seeing myself in that state had opened up more memories of the past. It made me recognize different coping mechanisms I used to have when I wasn't allowed to have a voice. I am learning to nurture and be the loving parent to the child within me. It really broke me apart to feel that so intensely and not have any memories to back it up. And so the cycle of feeling even more crazy comes up because my ego is telling me that I shouldn't feel this bad... but then why is there another voice inside that tells me otherwise, making me fall to my knees feeling like an imbecile? It must be true if I can feel it. When we lose one of our senses, our other senses enhance to overcomepnsate. That is exactly what it felt like. I felt like I couldn't see the memory but the pain was exploding within my gut that it hurt so bad like I lost something... And I kinda did... I lost my self worth and my confidence. I relived the anguish again and couldn't see it. The child within me didn't let me see it but she wanted me to sit in that... make me understand the kind of hell she took forme. I felt this deep urge to step up and take away that hell from my own child instead of his dissociated parts doing it for him. I have to forgive myself. I have to do better. I'm so sorry.
There is a relief that happens when true release occurs. I went inward in that moment of torment and channeled my inner child that knew this all too well. I felt her frustration and I see on my arm how she used to cope. She'd pinch and scratch herself to feel pain that she could control than the pain that was forced onto her. I didn't hold back as I wanted her to set the stage for me... let me in, let me understand you so that I can understand the dragon too. I felt everything inside start to dissolve, the healing has begun. I know my body and how it cues me... I'm healing again. I am this moment of compassion. I am this moment of forgiveness. I went into the bed to sit with my son, asleep, unaware that his mother faced her demons so that she could heal... I don't want to be sorry anymore... I want to live a life where my kids and I are free from my wounds. I'm holding onto my willingness to learn and face myself. I feel the dragon sleep... and I hold it with so much gratitude. Thank you for letting me see you, but you can rest now.