Updated: Oct 26, 2020
I’m at a red light and I’m frozen in fear. I notice this because this energy feels old. This is NOT my normal state of being anymore. It's been a while that this feeling has come around. Is this a timeline jump? What year is it? Am I in the right world? It sounds funny, right? How can someone sane be having such thoughts? My body is tense. I've stopped breathing. My knuckles are white, gripping on the steering wheel of my car and I don't feel safe. I am frozen with thoughts that are developing so wildly into forms and I'm having these body sensations that are telling me that there’s something wrong. And I’m looking around wondering, is there an apocalypse happening? Are my kids alright? Is it going to be a stressful day at work? Is my relationship with my girlfriend ok? Do I have enough money? Do people dislike me? Am I safe? The radars and red flags are being waved.. you're leaving your body, Karen...
The mind thinks and it responds and it thinks again and it responds with more panic, more fear, more dread... I feel my legs getting numb. I'm leaving my body. This is too painful... but what is painful? Two voices are coming forward... who's talking? Who's here? What's happening? And in a split second, salvation comes and I remember to breathe. The thoughts have taken form and they’re preventing me from being in a waking state of tranquility. I can feel my body tensing up in panic and fear and I feel the consciousness of all the split aspects of my inner child sitting next to me.
“Why are you sitting there? You’re supposed to be integrated.” And she fiddles with her night gown, exasperated, stress in her eyes. Is there something wrong with us?
I’m breathing now. Moments of clarity come in and out and move like waves in the ocean... procuring itself effortlessly. I can feel my hands gripping my thoughts and emotions and panic like dry sand... clasping my fists to gain control and it leaves between my fingers, unable to gain grip, clarity, momentum. I am split in two, the self that is feeding this train of thoughts and then the observer, the one proclaiming, what control do you have?
The sound of the horn from the car behind startles me. And I press on the gas in shock and embarrassment. Where am I? Where did I go that I am not grounded in my body. What happened to me that I lost that sense of self and the trove of insecure thoughts had come about and put me under this spot light. Are people looking at me? Can they see me? Can they see me naked and exposed? I don’t like it at all. I don't want people to see the fraud, the one pretending to have it together when I am falling apart at the red light. I just want to hide in my bed and guard myself from feeling trouble or like my existence is a discrepancy.
I’m breathing now, holding the steering wheel solidly, letting go loosely of its grip. I’m breathing into the motion of the car. Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! The observer steps out and screams,
"STOP! That’s enough now!" And just like that the trance stops and I’m immediately in interrogation with myself. I am sitting across from myself and I can feel the heat of the lamp. I don't like it. I feel naked. I feel like I am being put on the spot and I am exposed, vulnerable, unsafe. Don't look at me, you'll see I am flawed and imperfect and sad, when I should be happy. I am not. I am scared.
And the inner interrogation goes as follows...
Highter Self (HS)- What are you scared of Karen?
Karen- That they’ll see me and see there’s nothing special about me. That I’m ordinary. And they’ll forget about me when better people come around. That whatever I do is never good enough and that I don’t have anything valuable to offer anyone. People you love always leave. They will see me and want to leave. They always leave.
HS looks at me patiently and with so much love and compassion. My Spirit Guide Zen comes around too, sending support and holding space as I feel into the truth of this now.
HS- Is that true though?
I feel myself settling into that genuine question. I feel my body turn to mush, releasing all the tense muscles that are gripping in that false sense of control. Is that true though? And I exhale into my body, awareness, the truth, the essence of my soul, the I am. Those fears that were running through my veins... Is that true though? And I feel the peace that passes all understanding. And I look to the passenger seat and the aspects of my inner child are calming down the storm. The illusion of fear and separation leaves as quickly as it came.
HS- Did you forget who you are? When you feel disconnected with yourself, then that separation will crack its way open and divide yourself into all the aspects that had been created by this fear. Is anything happening in this moment that is causing you to feel unworthy? Is anything happening that is creating this limiting belief that you are nothing more than God's child? Do you have to be more to prove that you are worthy of love? Can you love yourself if this is all you are?
I sit there, braiding my observations, and opening my heart wide open at the split aspects of myself that were created. They look back at me in embarassment, in shame. And I ask them to come sit with me, to not be afraid. I am not the anger that shamed them. I am not the the emotional neglect that silenced their tender heart.
I am here, I am now... come home. You're safe, Karen. I will never abandon you. I hear you and see you. You didn't do anything wrong. Come home.
And in that instant, the aspects come back in, one by one. I feel the peace of those words coming into every individual heart that split off in fear... each individual piece put together like a puzzle. Every aspect leaving their pain at the doorway to our home. I collect the box and see their wounds. I hand them off to my Spirit Guide Zen and Higher Self to hang them up within the walls of my inner Universe because they deserve a place in my existence. These feelings are not to be shamed, but to be integrated within. These wounds deserve so much love and the right to be part of the whole. None of these feelings are at all separated because they are inherently part of us and our journey. It is so easy to shun the box full of shadows and to immediately turn to thoughts that insist on our lack of worthiness or being good enough. We easily forget that these shadows are always working for our higher growth and learning and a catalyst to rising and expanding into a more profound and enlightened state.
This is the beauty of shadow work... it is in witnessing ourselves in our most vulnerable moment and being able to hold ourselves there, accountable but with so much forgiveness, love and compassion. It is so easy to forget at times because the consciousness of our trauma can pop in at the most unusual times and hold ourselves hostage out of desperation to be seen. I know that this was a reminder of all the work I had put in to meet and integrate my different parts. We can fall into old patterns of sabotage, but we are responsible for how we choose to allow the old patterns to take hold. In the very core of our hardships and through all the complex and simple layers of our mind, body, and soul, we can learn to understand how each part deals in their own unique way. It is VERY easy to fall back into victimhood, however given all the work and revelations we have accumulated along our healing journey, we can bounce back and just as easily remember who we are.